Something was said in church today that I want to take issue with, because I have encountered it in life too many times; it is well-meant, but inappropriate, and disrespectful. The Christian life does call for confrontation when a brother (or sister) sins. The Bible makes this mandate painfully clear. We can even go so far as to be preventative in our relationships with other Christians helping them to stay out of sin, and while this may not be a crystal clear it is still a great idea. I take no issue with either of these things, but I take issue with people who carry these to extremes, confronting strangers about private sin that may or may not have been committed, in other words a well meaning Christian would intrude upon your life to ask an intensely personal question, without the relationship that would permit such a question.
I have heard people (and it was again stated this Sunday) that we need to be asking personal questions, thus they are licensed to do so. I agree, but only to a point. We need to be keeping each other in check, because we need to be encouraged, and because all humans are susceptible to temptation (but not all forms of temptation). Typically we form accountability groups or partnerships where these questions are allowed to be asked, and relationships are fostered whereby admissions are safe. It is these relationships that are the key to the right to ask personal questions. Out of respect I do not intrude upon another’s life, unless I have some sort of "probable cause" (to borrow a police term). If I see a brother sinning then I have the right to intrude. If I see a brother flirt with sin or temptation then I have an excuse to offer my advice. If I have a suspicion that something might be going on, then I have some grounds by which I can approach the person. But I will never have the right to ask a total stranger (or an acquaintance) the deeply probing questions about their faith, their sin, or any other private detail, simply because I do not have the right relationship with that person.
I have had people ask me such questions out of the blue, and I was shocked and offended. It comes across as some sort of Big Brother agenda, or watchdog society. They might mean well, but they do not care about me as a person, otherwise they would take the time to get to know me as a person, take some time to love me, and then begin asking those questions. I will be much more responsive, and less evasive (and yes, I am evasive or even tight-lipped when asked such questions impertinently). In my opinion we need to show each other respect as well as familiarity as well as love. Asking strangers or people you barely know (i.e. do not have a familiarity with) probing questions makes you as popular as a nosy neighbour.
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Since I read your post, I have been really mulling this over in my mind, and this is what I have come up with.
I think this entire issue is one of heart condition. If the Holy Spirit is leading you to ask someone even a prying (or not so) personal question, you had better ask it. However, if the Holy Spirit is not causing the motivation, but you are doing it out of simple curiosity or even pride, then beware. I think this applies to people whom we know well and are closely accountable to, or even a brother in Christ whom you have never met before.
When a prying (or not so) personal question gets asked of you, your response is also going to be determined by your heart condition. You can’t know the heart condition of the person asking, so you must rely on the Holy Spirit to guide you in your answer. Perhaps you are struggling in that area and you need to confess it, or perhaps you aren’t struggling and need to encourage the other person. I don’t think there is a single proper response for every situation, but if you are seeking the Lord’s will in the situation, He will provide you with the wisdom to answer it properly. I know that such questions often put us on the defensive, but we really need to give our pride over to the Lord, and seek His will.
I agree with you 100 percent.
I don’t think you can possably say it is born out of brotherly love or Christian conern for one another if you haven’t even gotten to know me.
Its just presumptious and self-righteuos.
Boro, let me ask you this.
Is it realy loving your neighbour as yourself if you are asking personal, embarassing questions that put a mere aquaintance on the defensive?
I have no idea who you are, and even that last question seems awefuly forward. I trust that the spirit of the forum will forgive me this time.
:)
The easy answer is maybe, and I think it all depends on how, and more importantly, why it is done.
If my reasoning is not to shame/embarrass you, but to encourage you to consider a very important question, for the sake of your walk, then I think that it is loving. Just because something makes me or someone else uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it is wrong. If a speaker at a conference starts off his lesson with “How did you deal with lust today?” it is going to certainly make some people feel uncomfortable, and probably most of them will be on the defensive. However, that doesn’t make it wrong.
As for loving my neighbor as myself, I hope that those around me would hold me to a high standard and not hold back what the Lord would have them say to me for fear of me being upset at them. Living the life that we are called to is too important!
However, that is not to say that it is appropriate to walk up to someone and ask a question and expect an answer. A better way might be like this. You walk up to a brother in Christ whom the Lord had been putting on their heart and say “You know X, I don’t know you very well, but the Lord has been impressing on my heart that I need to ask you a tough question. [Ask question] Now if you feel like sharing the answer with me I would be happy to talk with you some more, but don’t feel like you have to. I love you and want to see you living the a powerful Christ-filled life.”
Again, I can’t say for certain if the Lord would ever lead me to do something like that. I would hope that the people whom the Lord had placed around him/her would follow the Lord’s prompting to do what I had to do. However, I don’t know if the Lord had me do it for a certain other reason.
All I know is the when our hearts are soft toward God, and we are being obedient to the Scripture, then He will lead us in all things, even this area.
Oh, and by the way, as you may have guessed by my reply above, you were not too forward. =)
Boro,
While I agree with you academically I must point out the weakest point in your logic: it all depends on whether or not God is in fact “telling” you to confront a person. Sadly this is a subjective experience, which puts the asker in a position lacking “authority” to ask such questions. The objectivity comes through the instruction of the Word (no arguments there, we all agree). However, it is the practical application of those commands I am concerned with. The Bible does not ever state I should be prying into the lives of the brethren to root out any hidden sin (this is the Holy Spirit’s job, and since He is divine and I am not I should probably never engage in such a task) and asking groundless questions of anyone along the lines we are discussing seems to be just that, rooting out hidden sin.
I find it to be a better task to first work on my life, exposing myself to some people, confessing my sin before God, and living the sort of life that is above reproach. In there I might choose to allow a friend of mine to take on the role of a Confessor for accountability, encouragement, etc. However, to assume I can take on that role with anyone (without invitation) is presumptuous, and in my opinion is sinning against the person whom I am “putting to the question” (although the reason why I associate this with a sin eludes me at this present moment). My reading of the New Testament does not indicate the Holy Spirit reveals sin by empowering people to ask others groundless, but personal, questions, ergo I have a hard time accepting God would at any time “lay it on a brother’s heart” to confront me about something which he/she is ignorant of (if they have witnessed my sin, that is another matter).
On a more personal note, I have interacted with too many people who have claimed to be prophets of God or people who have claimed to have God “lay something upon their hearts” regarding me, only to prove to be wrong. My experience has been overwhelmingly negative in this realm of God’s communication. It tends to be feeling based not Word based. I’m fine with people saying, “I really need to ask you this because it has been bugging me …”, or “for some reason I get the feeling this might be true of you, is it?” or some such thing. I’d be even more thrilled if people could refer to scripture when confronting me out of the blue, as that will lend some credence (when used accurately) to their “right” to confront me.
I agree that when God communicates to/with us we need to respond. On the off chance God did “tell” me to confront someone I would obey. In the end, we should be considerate, and loving of the person in our confrontation, and if the person is not a close friend, that will mean we need to find a respectful way of bringing up the subject, therein lies the source of my entry.