Friend, Acquaintance, or In-Between
Today I received an invitation to Orkut and I admit I was a bit excited to see it since it has been locked under an invitation-only registration. Going into it I knew it was a social/friend network, but I did not know how it would be presented or what I might find. After inputting all my information (and there was a great amount asked for) I found myself face-to-face with an old and familiar problem with our English language. I was able to gather two friends and invite two new ones when I was notified a total stranger marked me as a friend (asking for confirmation). This has caused me to consider quite a few things and re-investigate the depths of friendship.
I have long held a high standard for my friends, something which made my High School years difficult as none of my classmates met with my standards to make them actual "friends" yet they were more than acquaintances. I longed for a word I could use to describe our relationship, something which would not offend them (by calling them not-friend) but would not elevate their position higher than I considered. I have been fortunate to find a few people who I can truly call friends, and they are exceptional people. I do not want to demean my relationship with them by tossing people who are say casual friends into the same pool.
I am at a loss to describe my friends, my acquaintances, and those who fall somewhere in-between. I suppose I could call my friends "brothers" but that brings connotations not implied, and then what about the discrepancy with my actual brother? I could perhaps add an adjective to discern if they are a casual friend, a co-worker type friend, or a true friend who will always come to my aid. I wish we could come up with some words to communicate our relationships better than we can now.
Not to present the Japanese as a source of perfection I do like their honorifics. Adding a suffix to name to indicate the nature of the relationship, the position of speaker to audience, or even heightened tone in the conversation (by addressing a close friend with a more distant honorific). I am no Japanese scholar, so I do not know to what extent they use their honorifics, but the principle is what I am getting at. The ability to denote a category of relationship or a type of relationship or a level of respect would be fantastic!
As I see it I have a few circles of friendship. In the inner circle are what I would call true friends (perhaps there is an even smaller circle for what might be called "kindred spirits"), then another circle for people who are dear to me, but not close, people who do not connect with on a deep level. Another circle could be for those I associate with regularly, but are not particularly close, nor do I really divulge much personal information to them. The next circle could be for those casual friends I see once in a while and enjoy their company in the context of the event, but probably would not go out of my way to develop a deeper relationship. Finally I would have those who are acquaintances, people I have only met and not yet formed much of an opinion of. If we had some means to label these levels of friendship (assuming we cannot add more circles) I would have an easier time of communicating with people, and with using friend services like Orkut.
How do I communicate with someone that they are not really a friend, but they are not a non-friend, but there might be a chance they could grow close to the friend level? How can I grow more friends in an online world that wants to categorize everything, yet will not offer more than a binary option for human relationships? Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here. As a younger man my parents would tell me, "You need to be a friend in order to get/make friends." Perhaps I need to decide I will be a person's friend (accepting them into a mid level category) and unless I have a good reason do nothing to demote them. Still, I would like terms to identify these levels, terms that could be slightly universal so I could use them to communicate with others.
Maybe I'm just too anthropophobic. Nah. :)
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I thought I might come on here to see what my college bud Seth might be up to in this place. Now I see that he is doing what he is meant to do write and make others think when they would rather just past the time in a sort of coma reality. I really like the friend essay. I have questioned that thought many times. I remember this about friendship. The pathetic person that screams I want friends will never have any. Because their focus is on the want of friendship not on the value of what friendship adds to life. We must want more than just friendship, we must want a brother/sister with the same focus, a guardrail against the fall, iron that sharpens, someone to give to, share with, learn from, and most of all someone who is on the same journey with you. Thanks Seth for making me think!