Pondering Marriage Vows
As we drove home tonight my wife and I launched into the topic of divorce and marriage vows. Over the last year this topic of conversation has come up from time-to-time, not because we are having problems, but because some close relatives of mine are. After over 50 years of marriage they have decided to call it quits, and I have begun to revisit many questions about marriage and divorce. As a part of my Bible degree we had to attend a class that would help us be better pastoral material by forcing us to confront these hot topics and come up with a stance, so we could better minister to congregations. As a part of our pre-marital counseling (which was a total waste) we had to consider the value of marriage, our vows, and our take on divorce. There are a few things that have puzzled me, and other things that always make me think, and should make others think.
For the sake of argument I'll state all divorce is forbidden to all Christians at all times regardless of any reason or excuse (this happens to be my interpretation of the biblical passages on divorce). Allowing this will make things easier (but we can still argue the fine points . . . later). Our civil authorities allow for us to break the marriage contract, suffering certain consequences in the legal world. This aspect has always made sense to me, for with each contract you can usually get out of it but there is usually a price to pay. The part that has always had me confused are the wedding vows themselves. Do they ever offer a means to back out gracefully?
When we were planning our wedding we decided we wanted to have our own vows, not the usual vows we so often hear. We wanted something personal, something we found and agreed upon, something that fit our personalities. A part of me set out on a hunt to find some really old wedding vows, and I soon came to realize I had no biblical basis for wedding vows. As hard as I looked I could not find wedding vows in the Bible, I found records of marriages, I found a few cultural references to wedding ceremonies, but no record of any "sanctioned" or God-ordained wedding vows! In the Christian Church we have a God-ordained institution (Marriage) but we are apparently free to chose our vows.
As I was looking through wedding vows I found most of them were the same, and all carried the same sentiment. A wedding vow in its basic form is a promise to love a person until death separates them. This brings up some questions. One, what is the fundamental, biblical definition of marriage, two, how do we know the tradition behind our vows are in alignment with this definition of marriage, three, how is it we have no problem with divorce when we do not write in divorce clauses into our wedding vows? The more I think on it the more I do not understand how our culture has allowed something as fundamental as a vow (a promise) to be worth next to nothing. If I promise to love a person (which is not defined as a feeling) until one of the two of dies, then I need to honor that no matter what.
I wish divorce never had to be an option. I wish every marriage could work out well, and the people could get along. I wish spousal abuse was only an idea found in horror stories, not a reality. Still, I wonder what our wedding vows mean any more. I wonder where they came from. How did the marriage traditions develop? How much trust should we put in the words and promises of a divorcee?
Questions abound.
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