My Curse

It took a prolonged (and continued) unemployment to bring this ugly beast to life, but now that he has possessed me I must cope and manage it. In the absence of a job I was surprised to find this workaholic tendency in me now. I still hate doing chores, though I do them with more frequency. I still shudder at the thought of and dread the day I must work a "typical" 9 to 5 job. None of these things have captured me. Instead my hobbies now consume my time and energies. If I could make a job out of my hobbies then I would be a workaholic.

In some small way I find this rather amusing. It was around the same time as the aforementioned discussion that I had another discussion with a pastoral intern about my hobbies, or the distinct lack thereof. He tried to brainstorm with me to offer ideas that might become a hobby, because I lacked all interest in anything hobby related, and had a quiet disdain for my job. Now I have hobbies which I cannot seem to let go of, and which almost consume my every waking moment (either in thought or in deed).

I continue to puzzle myself, for in some ways I do not wish to be anything approaching normal, and in others I take comfort in being quite normal. This affliction brings me a strange sense of comfort, for now I know I can identify with many men (husbands) who have to manage their conflicting desires. Now I can see and understand the struggle others warned me about, sought counsel over, and aired their frustrations concerning. If a man is a measure of the struggles he must face (and I don't know I agree) then here is another struggle I can champion; here is another area I can work with to build my character and become a better man. This is yet one more step, one more qualification that will seal my membership in the universal brotherhood of husbands, fathers, and men (the father part is yet to come, thankfully).

It has been hard, but I have decided to set aside my hobbies when my wife is home and desiring attention. It is painful to feel the conflict within me, for I love the both, but differently. In no small way this conflict will cause me to better organize my time, to give me opportunities to work with/on my hobbies, not sacrificing my wife for them, nor they for my wife. I imagine this will ever be a struggle with me. Now if I could only get paid for my hobbies. . . .