The more I consider my writing style the more I realize I have to have a context: I cannot write ex nihilo. I enjoy the task of writing (not necessarily the research I sometimes have to put into my writing) but when left to myself to come up with a topic I will usually flounder for a while. This is especially troublesome when I am in a mood to write, because I usually cannot find something to write about. The really odd thing is this has not always been the case, so what has made me this way?
I can remember a time in grade school where we had to keep journals, and my favorite entries were the ones where I had no context, the times when the teacher would allow us to write about anything. I was always eager, waiting for another one of these rare moments, and when they came I usually had something I wanted to write (usually a short story). Throughout that time I would also write stuff on my own, apart from assignments, and leave them scattered about my desk. Actually, I found it harder to write when I had a topic forced upon me then when I was allowed to choose.
A part of me wonders if I have become conditioned to responding to assignments and tasks and have lost some creativity. I have spent years in college writing papers with a purpose and a goal, set within a context, and I have become used to it. I have spent countless hours preparing lessons and sermons, all within contexts. It has been ages since I was allowed to write about whatever I wanted, and I think I have forgotten how to do that. Or perhaps it is that I have too many cares, too many things dwelling upon me that I do not have the freedom of mind to come up with things to write.
All of this is to say, quite often I feel like a directionless writer, hacking out phrases and clauses. This little outlet of mine has been quite good for me, but I am beginning to desire something more, something with a wider appeal, something less personal. Who knows if I will find it. Perhaps it will be a series of non sequitur ramblings created ex nihilo, but that would be boring.