I would like to say I was a normal kid, living a normal life, having normal dreams, desires, and goals; I’d like to think the choices and decisions I made were all normal; I’m not sure I know what normal was; I’m not sure I know what normal is. One thing I do know, it is normal to have an awkward time in life, a time when you are between kid and adult. I can remember the time just before that was supposed to “officially” start for me, which is a funny statement to make; at the time I did not believe I fit the description of an adolescent, so I figured I was not yet officially in that in-between point of my life; thinking about it now, I wonder if perhaps I was there and just didn’t recognize it.
There is a great many things about my adolescence I can’t remember off-hand, and I figure that is a good thing. One thing I do remember though is a clear and distinct decision to become mature: I willingly chose to grow up. I’m sure it’s fairly normal for every kid to want to grow up, and in that light this decision of mine doesn’t seem all that significant. Strangely I found myself thinking about maturity some time ago and I realized something: I haven’t stopped trying to grow up.
From where I sit today I look back a kid that must have had more patience than I do now, for I distinctly remember putting a lot of thought and consideration into choosing to shed my immaturity. I’m sure I was told in many ways on many occasions that maturity was a slow process, I certainly understood that sentiment at that time in my life. I looked at the road ahead of me and with a courage I can’t even muster these days. I accepted the path, set forth on it not willing to look back, and chose to grit my teeth when I still acted immature. I’m amazed at the kid I was; I knew I wasn’t going to get any instant gratification, no immediate feedback; I knew it was going to be a long time before I could look at my actions and see myself as less immature than I was. Strangely I was happy with that. I was generally happy with who I was and happy to be on the path to growing up, so the journey never seemed arduous.
A funny thing has happened in all this. Because the journey to maturity is a long one I eventually formed some habits and those habits don’t seem to have left me. I still weigh my actions to see if there is a better, more mature way of handling a given situation. The last time I used that same process I had to pause and wonder when I was supposed to have arrived at my destination. When will I finally be “all growed up”?
I’m still pondering that question, and I suspect the answer is never, rather that once a person begins to mature they continue that process until the end of their days. Somewhere on that road the maturity transmutes to wisdom, or so I suspect. When I consider my elders I can still look up to them and I can still see a gap in the maturity level between us, and since I cannot believe I am immature I must conclude that what I am seeing and what I am working on is not the same thing as I once was. Surely I am an adult now, but I am still young in my adulthood and have many things to experience and much wisdom to gain.