When Life Intrudes, and Changes Everything

In the great Republic of Life almighty Change has many representatives, and the New Job is but one: new jobs by their very nature represent change. Often I find that a new job brings forth a great many changes, some for the better, some not, and some seem to be nothing more than change for the sake of change. In my case, in my most resent job change, I had more change than I could deal with. I don't like to admit that I get anxious, nor do I want admit that I have bouts of anxiety over the most banal things, but such is the case. Change, for me, usually brings about anxiety, and while I'm not sure of the nature of the relationship between anxiety and stress, it is rare when I don't see them together.

One of the changes this new job of mine has brought about is a freedom of time. I commute far less than I used to: compare two hours to thirty minutes. The significance of this impacts our budget in a way that is most reassuring. We are by no means rich now that I don't spend a small fortune in gasoline, but we face far less of a monthly liability in that regard. Of course, having this much extra free-time has been a bit problematic, for I used to use my commute as a way to wind up or unwind from my day, and I had grown quite used to listening to audiobooks. In short, my new job has forcibly changed my routine.

People oft say we are creatures of habit, and were I to claim routine as a synonym of habit, in this instance, I doubt many would argue. While I cannot speak for “People” I can assent to the notion that I am a creature of habit and routine, and I don't much like my routines changed on my behalf; I prefer to do the changing. Sadly my routine was not the only thing to change that I could not control.

My new job included a slight pay raise and such is cause for rejoicing. While I did agree to my wage I cannot help but admit it is not quite at that point where I am comfortable with returning to having but one income. Thus children seem a little ways off yet, at least until we can prove to ourselves that we can pay the bills on my income alone, which has yet to happen, but that is a topic for another day. For the past two years I have been putting off nearly all of our dreams due to our lack of income, our expense in my commute, and a gut feeling that there wasn't much room for upward mobility in my last job -- which turned out to be accurate. For two years I had been saying, “Wait until I get a better job.” Now I have that job, and now the dreams are screaming to be paid attention to.

I would not recommend initiating broad sweeping changes over the holiday season. Holidays bear their own stress, and adding to it the stress of change and you have a recipe for a breakdown. Even worse, trying to evaluate a new budget during the biggest spending season of the calendar year is nigh on impossible, and makes for feelings of generosity quite cumbersome. Suffice it to say the dreams which were begging and screaming to be re-evaluated had to be ignored a bit longer, and no, they don't cooperate at all.

What does one do when change was not enough change? In my case I've had to return to my previous sentiments, only now it sounds more like, “Wait until I get a raise” which sounds much worse to me. Dreams are beginning to be put on indefinite hold, and at some level I begin to wonder if I am failing at life, for somewhere along the way I got the idea that success is measured by the achievement of one's dreams -- here again we find a topic for another day.

Children are on the horizon, only I don't know where the horizon is. One half of our little family was hoping the horizon has arrived, and it was of extreme difficulty to contradict that half. There are some dreams which we now know will have to come before others, and I shudder to think of what life will be like one year from now. I imagine I'll be a father, still sleepless and cranky, only now with good reason, and what little hair I have left will either fall out or go grey, or likely, both.

The changes have settled, and I can get back to doing things that once brought me some joy and satisfaction in life. I'm getting used to my new schedule, and finding I can get more than one thing done in an evening, so now I have to be a little bit more responsible with my time. I've had a brush with stress so strong and severe I'm not sure how long it will take me to finally relax, but at that I am trying. I finally have time to read, write, and work on my many projects, now I need the energy and the inclination.